Steelers’ Roethlisberger Gets Married
Added on Jul 24, 2011 by Jack Thurman in
No Comments
That sound you heard last night was the sound of countless Southern sorority girls weeping in their watered down beer. The man known as the sly Lothario of flyover country, Ben Roethlisberger, is off the market. Never again will his clever repartee (“Bitches, take my shots!”) echo through the roach infested walls of Georgia frat bars. Never again will swooning young girls from South Georgia named Misty and Heather experience his fumbling advances in the bathrooms of said frat bars. It’s a sad day among the white trash distaff of the Southeastern United States.
Instead of trolling for skank in South Georgia, Roethisberger was in Ohio yesterday getting hitched to the appropriate named Ashley Harlan. Roethisberger has apparently left behind once and for all his time as a populist playboy, but still retains the sort of inflated self worth and entitlement that got him into trouble in the first place. The wedding took place under heavy security lest any ‘commoners’ disgrace the proceedings with their presence.
That didn’t stop any number of Pittsburgh Steelers’ fans without much sense and too much time on their hands to brave the hot weather to get a glimpse of ‘Big Ben’ or his cohorts. Of course they didn’t have much luck since Roethlisberger and guests rolled up in luxury sleds and limos with tinted windows.
The marriage of Roethlisberger and his paramour was apparently ‘strongly encouraged’ by NFL officials and the Steelers’ management after ‘Big Ben’ was reinstated following his suspension for fondling a sorority girl in a Georgia townie bar. The quickly escalating courtship gave the impression that Roethlisberger was advised to ‘keep it in his pants’ and settle down or else he’d be enjoying a career in the Arena League while working a day job at UPS.
It was a big reunion for the Steelers’ players and management (who were presumably on hand to make sure their quarterback went through with his end of the bargain). Hopefully that won’t be the case for long, as every expectation is that the NFL labor deal will be approved next week and we can get back to business as usual. The Pittsburgh Steelers are one of the favorites to be back in the Super Bowl mix.
